I feel like I’ve said so much the past two days. Being someone that doesn’t ever really express my emotions, those two posts were a bit challenging, but freeing at the same time. Four part introduction and all, the basic gist of my blog is this; I’m a 25 year old teacher living in Florida. I don’t consider myself a writer at all. I just wanted a place where I could put my thoughts so that they don’t clutter my head as much. I hope that with what I express I’ll be able to help myself grow into a better person. I want to document that. I’ve had my fair share of struggles and if I can help someone else out there with theirs, the better. I’m not sure who’s reading this but if anyone out there that’s reading this is struggling, feel free to reach out to me. I will point out that I’m not the best texter, but if you need me, I’ll be there, always. My post today wasn’t very heavy on emotion, I think I needed the break from spilling my guts. The beginning of this blog is a lot about letting you get to know me more. I may seem like a super emotional person from what you’ve read so far, but 8 out of 10 days, I’m very chill. Anyway, I hope if you’re reading this right now, you find yourself in a good place in life. If you’re not, keep that head up. Cloudy days don’t last forever and without them, we wouldn’t know what sunshine is. With love, -Cami
We have reached the post I’ve been dreading. The last part of the introduction. Day 6 was all about my mental health. Day 7 is all about my physical health. Before I start sharing my thoughts I’d like to say, I in no way correlate being skinny with being beautiful. I think beauty comes in all shapes, and sizes. I am simply talking about myself. I may mention a few people here and there but this is about me. I was terrified to make this post. I still kind of am. Originally I was going to show my weight but I chickened out. If I’m honest I’m embarrassed. I think it worked out well though because the word “redo” fits here. When I was in the 3rd grade I hit my first instance of bullying. I remember that day so clearly. I was sitting in my classroom and my teacher was talking to us about doing a project in groups. I was the average size of a third grader, definitely shorter than most people but I wasn’t overweight. She had released us to pick our own groups and I sat with one of my friends in the class. I honestly can’t remember this girls name but there was a boy sitting with us and his name is one I’ll never forget. As soon as I sat down his first words to me were “You look like a pig.” He then proceeded to oink at me. He never stopped. He just kept making fun of me the rest of the year. I tried telling an adult, I tried ignoring it but it still got to me. He didn’t always call me a pig but he would oink at me almost every time I walked by. He would get his friends to do it too. At some points I feel like I’m being dramatic. How is it possible that one persons words could affect me that much? I’m not sure at exactly which point my downward spiral began, but I know it was that year. I wish I could say that my only instance of bullying was fourth grade but sadly it continued. Middle school, high school, church camps, random people at the loop, Tumblr, all of these different places someone felt it necessary to point out my weight. To make fun of me for it, think of a name that you would call a bigger person to make fun of them, I’ve been called it. I think my personal favorite throughout the years is Michelin Man. If you’re not sure about who that is, google it. That’s my celebrity look alike apparently. Anyway, the point is, I’ve been this way most of my life. I’ve needed to make a change, I’ve tried to make a change and yet every single time, I come up short. I am now as I’m writing this post, the heaviest I’ve ever been in my entire life. I’ll try eating healthier, working out, and I’ll lose weight, but it just seems like I gain it right back and then some. I’m at this point in my life where I’m at a loss. What do I do? How do I fix this? Can I fix it? Should I just give up hope and accept the fact that I’ll never be as healthy as I can be? I want to be healthier. I want to be able to go on random hikes in the forest, to go snowboarding without worrying I’ll break a leg, to join an adult softball league, to walk up a flight of stairs without losing my damn breath. I live in a two story house, do you know how much I hate myself everytime I go up those stairs because I get so winded? But I just come up short every time. I struggle every time and I give up. I replay all of the mean things people have ever said to me over and over, I replay all of the mean things I’ve said to myself. I know I need to change, I know I need to fix this, to fix me. But how? How do I motivate myself enough to not give up? What can I do to keep myself motivated, to not fail, like I have time and time again? I ask myself this multitude of questions. Getting mad at myself for being all of the things people have said to me. It’s funny, how you can have six people tell you something nice but if one person says something mean that’s all you remember. I’m not writing this post for a pity party. I’m not trying to say “Woe is me, I got bullied feel sorry for me.” I got myself to this place. No one else is responsible for that except for me. I can own it and I do. I’m writing this because I’ve struggled in silence for so long. I’m hoping that putting myself out there, airing my struggle, will be a wake up call for me. I want to be healthier, I want to finally look into the mirror and see the person I’ve been looking for all of these years.
*Note: I know my lotus position is off, but it’s the thought that counts, right?* “Part Three” is all about my mental health. I have come a long way with my mental health when it comes to my anxiety. Four or five years ago I found myself having panic attacks quite often. The worst part about anxiety, it can hit you out of nowhere. One second you can be laughing having a good time with your friends, and the next you can’t breathe, your heart’s racing and you want to crawl into a hole and be as far away from another person as you possibly can. My biggest problem, which I believe many people that struggle with anxiety share, is my mind. You are your own worst enemy. Everyone hates you, you said something wrong, your heart is racing, you look like a mess, that girl that you’ve never seen before in your life thinks you’re stupid, you definitely forgot to lock the front door, you can’t breathe, you failed the test you haven’t even taken yet, you can’t make any friends, your pants are too tight, your mom thinks you’re a disappointment, you won’t get anywhere in your life, your life is over, the world is crashing down around you, it feels like you’re suffocating, you’ll never breathe again. Somehow every negative thought you’ve ever had about anything pops into your head. It’s like you’re in a fishbowl and each negative thought is a drop of water, before you know it, you’re drowning. Even worse, you know what’s happening. You know this downward spiral because it’s what happens every time. But you can’t stop it. You feel helpless, you are a prisoner of the war going on in your mind. This was a battle I fought everyday. Somehow, I got through it. My anxiety is now so much better than it was four years ago. Don’t get me wrong it’s still a battle, I still have bad days, but those bad days are sparse. I am so thankful for that. Although I feel like now I deal with a bigger demon. I’m not sure what it is but something about me has felt off. It’s not anxiety, unless it’s found itself in a different form in my mind, it’s something else. I’m not sure what exactly it is but I know I don’t like it. It takes the forms of anger, and sadness, but it doesn’t have a name. I feel myself slipping sometimes but I don’t want to fall. One of my goals for this year is to face this demon, and much like my anxiety, reign it in and show it who’s boss.
I’m realizing now having four parts seems a little excessive. That might just be me thinking that I don’t really have that much to say. Today I went to Disney Springs. The place of a million name changes, and the location of my first job. It’s crazy how much busier it is now. It’s also crazy how much bigger everything seems. My life was in a much different place when I worked here. My hair was also a lot shorter. Looking back at the way your life was at a certain point in time and seeing where you are currently is sometimes a weird feeling. So many people look into the past with regret and the future with fear. I’ve never been that person. I try not to regret many things in my life, even those situations where things just go bad, failed relationships, and poor decisions. I look at everything in life as a lesson learned. Even if that lesson hurt me, even if in learning that lesson I hurt someone else, there’s a purpose for all of it. When a new year comes around everyone talks about the things they want to change. I have things in my life I want to change but this mentality I have is something I want to stay the same.
Part One: I feel like my life has been lacking creativity. I love so many different forms of art and yet I barely practice them anymore. One of the reasons I’ve started this blog is to tap into that creativity more. Todays picture is showing two forms of art close to my heart. I love sketching, anything and everything. Although I’d have to say my still life is probably my strongest. This year, I want to make it a point to sketch more. I also love playing music. I dabble in many different instruments. I’d love to focus on becoming a master of one, obviously I can’t master an instrument in a year but this is about more than just a year, these are life goals.
“The only difference between a saint and a sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.” -Oscar Wilde I’ve decided that my introductory post is going to be four parts. Each day I will be releasing a part. I’ve decided to make it four parts because frankly, I’m terrified to post part 4. However I’m hoping that in a few posts I’ll build up some amount of courage. The first part of my four part intro will be posted tomorrow. Did you ever notice that trash bags go from 13 gallons, straight to 30?
“I wish that I could give you something, but I have nothing left… I am just an old stump.” Shel Silverstein (The Giving Tree)
I am not the proudest of my picture today but I was on the road for about 16 hours so I’m giving myself a pass. Shout out to these cute pups for being such good boys for the trip. There’s something about long car rides that just get your mind going. I love driving, always have. Since my accident I’m a little more “scared” of the road than I was before but in the past year it has gotten better. I still love me a long drive though. Anyway, I’m heading to bed because in about an hour I’ll have been up for 24 hours. — Have you ever just wanted to scream at the top of your lungs? I mean really scream, where you just let it all out. Where you can feel your vocal cords vibrating, and the tingle of the hairs on the back of your neck standing up. Where you feel as if your voice in that moment could move a mountain. I feel like so many of us live our lives just taking in frustration. It’s like everyone has this backpack they carry around, and anytime something upsets them or makes them angry, or frustrated it’s just like they’re adding an item to their backpack. Some people are able to voice their frustrations or air out their emotions and they take those items out of their backpack. But then you have those people like me. The people that keep to themselves, that don’t like talking about their emotions or frustrations and would rather just keep going on about their day. Just pack it and move on. Well, there’s an obvious flaw there. What happens when that backpack gets too heavy?
“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy.”
I’ve been meaning to write an introductory post. Explaining my motivations and where my head is at, which if I’m honest most of the time is space. Today is not the day for that post. Tomorrow I start the 15ish hour trek back to Florida. I will definitely miss the cold here. It was fun hanging out with Jess’s family. I’m always so grateful that they let me invade their space for a couple days. I’m hoping my introductory post will be Day 4. I’m really nervous about that post but I feel like this is going to make me stay accountable. Hopefully I can summon up the courage.
“Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing…” -Edgar Allen Poe (The Raven)
On the eve of new beginnings, I am nervous about attempting this photo challenge again. Mostly nervous because this time I’m being more public with my blog. I’m hoping this will keep me accountable. I also plan on being more open and honest. I might not write every day but I will post a picture no matter what. Here’s to challenging myself and growing in the process!
Worn Pages, Endless Beginnings 