I tried something new today! Sickness and all. I’ve learned that I definitely don’t like hanging upside down, and that my motion sickness is evolving. All in all it was really fun though. Being able to float in the hammock without worrying about breaking it or falling was really nice. Maybe one day I’ll feel like I can hang upside down and like it but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. I’m thinking I might try to come up with a new title for every day and just posting the day I’m on in the caption somewhere. Not quite sure yet though.
Today was spent sick, and in bed. I hate missing work but I really couldn’t function this morning. I don’t even remember driving to the doctors office. Once I woke up, at like 3pm, I made this cool poster to track my pounds lost on! It goes by 5’s and every 5 pounds I get to reward myself with something new. Just another way to keep me motivated. I stayed strong today, even though all I wanted was cookies & milk (comfort food).
I got a lot more done today than I did yesterday. I went grocery shopping by myself, and I made an awesome fruit bowl. I did wake up with a sore throat. I’m really hoping that was just a one day thing.
Tomorrow I hit twenty days of Whole30. Today was the first time in awhile where I was driving home and craved McDonalds. I just wanted to stop to get food because I was hungry and I wanted something easy, like fries and a cheeseburger. I didn’t stop, of course, but that got me thinking. I’m going to let you know something that’s really embarrassing but I’m also proud of at the same time. When I would drive to school, I would, at least three out of five days of the week, stop to get breakfast. Towards the end of it, breakfast turned into coffee and breakfast because I would stay up until 12 or 1am playing games with my friends. At work I would usually not eat the healthy lunch my roomates packed me. I would take a PB&J to work or find something else (last year I UberEats McDonalds a lot). Then because I maybe didn’t eat at lunch or eat something sufficient, I would stop at McDonalds or Burger King to get something to eat before dinner. I usually didn’t eat much at actual dinner because I didn’t like whatever healthy food my roommates were going to make or put in the crockpot that morning. I was in this horrible downward spiral. I just got progressively worse. I would stop more often, get more than I needed to eat. It was bad. I was drinking soda everyday, eating sweets all of the time. Food controlled me. I was at the whim of Reeces, double cheeseburgers, and Coke. I knew that I was only getting worse. I felt the changes in my body. I saw the number on the scale go higher and higher. I didn’t want to change it. I tried before, I really did. I tried Advocare, but as soon as I stopped that I gained all of that weight back. I even had a personal trainer for awhile but that was just money down the drain. I’ve spent countless amounts of money on healthy groceries that evidently went to waste because I would only eat them two out of the seven days anyway. I was just stuck. I felt stuck and I stopped believing. I couldn’t do it. Why would I be able to after I’ve tried and failed all of these years? This is who I was now, the person that snuck and hid fast food because I was too embarrassed to admit that I had a problem. I accepted my fate, and for a solid few months that’s just how it was. I don’t know how Whole30 is working for me if I’m honest. I don’t know what clicked in my brain. Whatever it is that’s clicked. I hope it stays. I feel it more now. I think I feel it the most because I’m not craving that bad food as much as I used to. In fact, one of my first thoughts when I think about eating something bad is, is it worth it? This is something that’s insane to me because if you would’ve told me that I wouldn’t be craving junk, and I’d actually be second guessing it because of how I’m worried my body would react to it, I’d think you were crazy. I think that’s the biggest difference I feel with Whole30. I think more about what I put into my body now. When I was on diets before it would be “Oh I can’t wait until [insert date here] because I can eat normal food again.” Or, “Yes, it’s cheat day!” With Whole30 I actually feel different. I feel more energized. I feel like I make better food choices and I’m way more conscious about what I put into my mouth and how much I put into my mouth. I feel this change in my state of mind. I’m more restricted and responsible with myself. If it’s past 9:30 when I’m going to bed, I don’t play video games anymore (unless it’s a weekend). I welcome this change. I’m happy about it and I hope that I only continue to improve and better myself.
Decided to spend the last night of the month doing something I haven’t done in awhile because I’ve been so busy. It’s nice to sit back and relax when you feel like you’re constantly on the go.
More than halfway through Whole30 and I have to say I think my only “bad” day has been day 2. Other than that I haven’t felt really tired, or grumpy. I also haven’t had a headache. I’m excited to reach the end but I’m also nervous. I’ve always thought about cheeseburgers. I’ve even dreamt about them. But I’m nervous to eat one. I don’t want to just start eating the way I used to, that wasn’t working for me. These are things I’m going to have to start thinking about soon! —– I thought a lot about my future today. I’m hoping that at some point I can figure out what exactly it is that I want.
Today I worked out for the first time since I started Whole30, the first time since I fractured my toe actually. I was pretty fun. We played tennis. I’m excited to do yoga again tomorrow. I have a state walkthrough planned on Thursday and it’s supposed to be during writing time (which I coteach for) I’m really nervous about it but, fingers crossed!
Worn Pages, Endless Beginnings 